Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. Im torn. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! It would be a lot of some, but we like it. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. Laura Hope Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. lets_be_honest So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. Not normal. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. a lot of people just arent that way. TaraMonster We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. Youve lived together for three weeks. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). GatorGirl Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. Come on, BGM! Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! Haha. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. Its time for him to grow up. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? Francine And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. Thats what next times are for! January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. Not youre wrong and you have to change. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Who does that? i really disliked him. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. And I think this is the case here. Eh. This is her perception. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. definitely not enough information here. One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. LW, how about writing back with the details? Look at the situation from everyones position. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. All rights reserved. However, its also a convenient excuse for but you have to talk to him about it. I am curious of yalls ages though. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. Yeah, I agree with ron. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. ele4phant You cant. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. Or pick berries. Lemongrass I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? muchachaenlaventana Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. Its not weird to them. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. The rest of the time he spent with me. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. I am actually not promoting anything. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected]. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. Tax Geek June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. GatorGirl If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. BGM never agrees with the woman. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. Exactly! Ann Cannon. Anonymousse its a really exciting time for your relationship! You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. The LW may be overreacting. leilani I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! 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